|When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under
half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, darts trophies and
children's art. We don't have lives, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting
glimpse of yours.
|Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from
|When I.T. Support sends you an email marked 'High Importance', delete
it at once. We're just testing.
|When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you
from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your
computer won't power up at all.
|When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way
you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 300
|When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your
guts right out. We exist only to serve.
|Send urgent email all in UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it
as a rush delivery.
|When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it.
|When you're getting a 'No dial tone' message at home, call
computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.
|When you have a dozen old computer screens to get rid of, call computer
support. We're collectors.
|When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's
chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
|When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges
in them, argue. We love a good argument.
|When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a
scathing tone of voice, 'And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?' That motivates
|When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print
jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
|When the printer still won't work after 20 tries, send the job to all 68
printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
|Don't learn the proper name for anything. We know exactly what you mean by
'my thingy blew up'.
|Don't use on-line help. On-line help is for wimps.
|If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift
the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 25lbs of computer
sitting on top of them.
|If the space bar on your computer doesn't work, blame it on the email
upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of cake crumbs and nail clippings in
|When you get a message saying 'Are you sure?' click on that
'Yes' button as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing
it, would you?
|When you find an I.T. person on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the
corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don't have any money to speak of
|Feel perfectly free to say things like, 'I don't know anything about
that computer crap'. We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional expertise
referred to as crap.
|When you need to change the toner cartridge in the printer, call I.T. Support.
Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task and manufacturers recommend that it be
performed only by a professional engineer with a masters degree in nuclear physics.
|When your computer won't power up, complain to us before you check to see
whether you've switched on the monitor.
|When you have a lock to pick on an old filing cabinet, call I.T. Support. We
love to hack.
|When something is the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call
the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having to deal with a third party who doesn't know
anything about the problem.
|When you receive a 30Mb (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as an email
attachment. We've got lots of disk space on the mail server.
|Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks.
Somebody else might get a chance to squeeze a memo into the queue.
|When an I.T. person gets into the lift pushing 60,000 worth of computer
equipment on a trolley, ask in a very loud voice, 'Good grief, you take the lift to go DOWN one
floor?!' That's another one that cracks us up no end.
|When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out
in the Isle of Man office like to keep abreast of what's going on.
|When you bump into an I.T. person in the supermarket on a Saturday, as a
computer question. We do weekends.
|Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own.
Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.
|When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the
documentation at home. We'll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.