How to Install Software
How to Install Software - A 12 Step Program by Dave Barry from his book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace"
Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of
computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS 2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER 628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM 719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE 3546 MB RAM 432323 MB ROM 05948737 MB RPM ANTILOCK DISK-BRAKING SYSTEM DRIVER AIR-BAG NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
|Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.|
Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette
(little bigger than a credit-card) or CD-ROM like a shiny 33LP), located inside a sealed
envelope that says:
|Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer."|
|If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.|
|Turn the computer on, you idiot!|
|Once again type "SETUP" and press Any key. If you don't have an Any key, one can be purchased via 1-800-424-3468 or 1-800-IBI-DIOT. For now press the Enter key.|
You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message
should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to
render it inoperable.
+-------+ +-------+ | YES | | SURE | +-------+ +-------+
|Regardless of your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does who knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat," and "doo.wha."|
When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message:
|At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.|
|Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12 or why you need to buy an upgrade.|